


Drunken Shenanigans

by oscarwildewannabe



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Drunkenness, F/M, M/M, Stevie Patrick and Ted are very good people, Stevie is the Best, but there's a happy ending, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 09:32:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18736357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oscarwildewannabe/pseuds/oscarwildewannabe
Summary: The Rose siblings are drunk. Ted and Patrick are very sweet partners, and Stevie isn't getting paid enough for this.





	Drunken Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Reupload. 
> 
> I just love platonic dynamics between characters that don't usually interact. It's my weakness

“Who exactly is planning on paying for all of this?” Stevie asks eyeing Ted and Patrick over the rim of her beer bottle.

Patrick shook his head and laughed into his own bottle while Ted heaved a heavy sigh. 

“I imagine it will be one of us,” Ted said, “That being said I covered the tab last time so…” 

Patrick eyed the empty bottles and glasses lining the bar in front of them, before looking over to Stevie who groaned. 

“Oh come on!” she said, “that’s not fair.” 

“Fine”, Patrick said leaning back against his chair, “then David can stay at your place tonight.” 

Stevie narrowed her eyes at him before heaving a heavy sigh, “fine, but next one’s on you Brewer.” 

Patrick nodded. She was right it was only fair. He turned around to see where exactly David and Alexis had gotten to and it shouldn’t have been too much of a surprise to see them drunkenly fighting over the microphone at the karaoke machine. 

Beside him, Ted was laughing and Patrick couldn’t exactly blame him. A drunk David or a drunk Alexis were objectively funny on their own, but putting them together really only amplified their ridiculousness. They had started the night trying to prove that the other could handle more booze than the first after David had made a snide comment about Alexis’ throwing up in their bathroom after her last night out. At that point Stevie, Ted, and Patrick decided it was probably for the best that they stay slightly more sober than the Rose siblings. Just in case. 

The five of them had been spending more time together since Ted and Alexis had gotten back. David would claim when pressed that it was because he wanted to make sure that Alexis and Stevie weren’t talking about him behind his back and planning some sort of coup. But Patrick knew that it was really because he missed them. Stevie was always busy with the motel now and even though David would never admit it, Patrick knew that Alexis’ leaving for the Galapagos had been hard for him. She and Ted had arrived back in Schitt’s Creek about a week ago, and this weekend had been their unofficial welcome back party. 

Turning to Ted Patrick asked, “So how was the trip man?” 

Ted smiled, “Really great! Got to do a lot of really cool research in the field. Even got to practice some new surgery techniques that the scientists down there are practicing on some of the native species.” 

He smiled, “not that you’ll hear about any of that stuff again. We’ve been back for like three days and all Alexis will tell anyone about was the time she almost got bit by one of the snapping turtles” 

Patrick laughed, coming from anyone else that story might have carried some kind of resentment or frustration. But for Ted he just laughed, and Patrick understood. David and Alexis were far too similar for their own good. The things that other people found might have found frustrating about David, Patrick only found more endearing. He could imagine that Ted felt similarly about Alexis. 

“Well it’s good to have you back man” Patrick said, “David would kill me if I ever said it but I know he really missed Alexis” 

Ted nodded, “Yeah, she really missed him too. She missed everyone. Kinda freaked her out a little.” He laughed again 

The trio’s attention was then drawn towards the two siblings as they came stumbling back to the booth were they had been sitting. Alexis slid herself as gracefully as possible into a chair next to Stevie while David came up and leaned against the back of Patrick’s chair. 

“Oh my god! Steeeeevieeee” Alexis wiggled up next to her, “do you remember when you slept with David?!” 

Alexis giggled again and Patrick felt his ears turn red. It wasn’t like he was jealous. He loved Stevie. And he knew that whatever had happened between her and David was in the past. But it still wasn’t exactly his idea of a good time to remember all the people that his fiancé had been with in the past

“Oh my god.” Stevie muttered, “uh yes Alexis unfortunately I do. Why?” 

Alexis gave a very comical frown before taking both of Stevie’s hands in hers and slightly petting them. 

“Oh it’s just…You know I love you Patrick, all your blue shirts and you with your little button face” she turned to him and bopped him on the nose, at this point Patrick was having a hard time containing his laughter but Alexis pressed on. 

“But like when you marry David it’ll be like I have another brother. And I already have a brother.” She said gloomily, as though she was just now remembering, “But if he had kept sleeping with Stevie then I could have had a sister!” 

Stevie yanked her hand out of Alexis’ hand and rolled her eyes, “okay I think that’s enough of that” 

“No! No, no, no, no, no” Alexis was moaning, “I didn’t mean it like that! I just mean you could have been my sister!” Alexis gasped, “oh my god! Imagine if you married David!” Alexis was outright laughing now, “Your kids would be so scary.” She nodded seriously at Stevie. 

Patrick let himself imagine for a moment a world in which Stevie and David had gotten married and had a whole family. Alexis was right, they would be scary. He found himself openly laughing too. He looked over to Ted who was shaking his head fondly at his girlfriend. 

“Excuse me!” David’s voice came from behind Patrick, “I am not going to have kids with Stevie” he ground her name out in some kind of mock disgust

“Lucky me” Stevie said, despite how mortified Patrick was sure she was feeling, even she was having a hard time containing her laughter. 

Patrick twisted around in his seat so that he could see David. Usually when David got this drunk he got sleepy and clingy, something that Patrick did not mind at all. David had draped his arms around Patrick’s shoulders and seemed to be using him as a support to keep himself upright. 

“Well of course you’re not gonna have kids with Stevie!” Alexis laughed, “you’re gonna have little button kids with your little button!” she giggled again. 

Patrick felt his cheeks heat up, and was afraid of whatever David might say next. Kids was not something that they had talked about in great detail yet, and he really didn’t want to have this conversation in front of all their friends. Especially when it was likely that David would not remember it in the morning. 

But luckily David seemed to have moved past the implications of Alexis’ words. He was moving his hands up and down Patrick’s arms and had a very soft look on his face. 

“He is a little button isn’t he?” he said, he placed both of his hands on either side of Patrick’s face, and it took all of Patrick’s self-control not to laugh at the perplexed look on David’s face. 

“How’d you get so buttony?” he asked 

“Years of practice” Patrick said sliding David’s hands off of his face and standing to maneuver him into his chair so that he didn’t fall down right where he was standing. 

“Ohmygod” Alexis slurred, “you’re like so in love with him!” 

“Shut up” David snapped, “you’re the one who’s in love! You’re more in love than I am!” 

Ted and Patrick exchanged amused looks. Alexis gave an offended gasp. 

“Nu uh! You’re more in love”  
“Nu-uh!” 

“Nu-uh!” 

“okay” Stevie stood up and signaled to the bartender, “I think we’ve had enough for one night and I’m not just saying that as the awkward 5th wheel on whatever this new game show is.” 

Patrick winced at that as Stevie said, “I’ll pay up and call a cab. You two work on getting them outside” 

Ted and Patrick both nodded. 

“Alright babe let’s go” Ted carefully shifted Alexis into a standing position as she swayed dangerously when she was fully standing upright. 

Patrick pulled David up by both of his hands so that he too was standing. It was maybe 20 feet to the front door, but that was 20 feet too far for the Rose siblings. It took a lot of cajoling and bribery on both Ted and Patrick’s part to get them both finally out the front door where they deposited them both on a bench while they waited for Stevie. 

Patrick watched as David swatted at Alexis before moving to lie against her shoulder, with Alexis following suit. 

Ted sighed next to him, “She usually gets sleepy when she’s this drunk. But I think having David here to egg her on really pushed the limit.” 

Patrick nodded, “David’s the same when he drinks this much too.” 

Ted inclined his head and gave Patrick a quick questioning look. 

“What?” Patrick asked

Ted shook his head, “ah it’s nothing never mind.” 

Well now Patrick had to know. He and Ted weren’t particularly close, but he genuinely liked the guy. His was funny in a kind of wholesome way and apart from the time he had broken a sink in his store (and drunkenly kissed his boyfriend, although Patrick tried not to think about that too much), he’d never really known him to do anything that bad. The two of them had a group chat with Stevie where they would post random funny Rose Family Moments but beyond that they didn’t really talk much outside of when it concerned David or Alexis. 

“Nah man what is it?” he asked

Ted took a deep breath, “When David gets this kind of drunk, does he like, I don’t know…have trouble sleeping?” 

That surprised Patrick, “Uh yeah? Sometimes.” 

Ted nodded, “Yeah. Alexis too. I don’t know. I was just curios. Cuz of the similar drunk behavior…” he trailed off.

Patrick turned to look at the two siblings, they both appeared to be sleeping slumped up against each other. 

“Uh yeah,” Patrick said quietly, “Yeah David has nightmares sometimes. And panic attacks. But you knew that.” Patrick remembered David telling him about his first meeting with Ted. 

Ted nodded, his eyes were locked onto Alexis as he spoke, “They’re about her aren’t they?” 

He posed it as a question, but something in Patrick knew that he already knew the answer. 

“yeah.” He said quietly, “sometimes, about when she would get in trouble and stuff.” 

Patrick felt weird; he didn’t know if he should be saying all of this to Ted. But suddenly Ted turned to him. 

“She gets nightmares about him too.” He said quietly, “She won’t tell me about the details. But stuff from when he was in high school. Stuff with ex-boyfriends. I don’t know it really freaks her out sometimes.” 

Patrick nodded; he knew about most of the stuff from David’s past that might be considered scary. But now he wondered if maybe he had been holding back. If it was enough to scare Alexis…

“I’m sorry man,” Ted was saying, “I know it’s not right to talk about it like this without them…it’s just. You know. They’ll never say anything to each other. And she had a bunch of them while we were gone. I thought you should know.” 

Patrick nodded stiffly, “yeah, yeah thanks man. Appreciate it.” 

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” Ted said, trying to break the now awkward silence, “just ya know…dramatics.” 

“Yeah, except I don’t think his nightmares about her are ever that dramatic.” He gave Ted a side eye, he knew that it wasn’t even remotely Ted’s fault but he still felt like he needed to somehow defend David. 

“If what he’s told me about her time before is even half of it…” 

It was Ted’s turn to nod in silence. 

“And she never seems to be really bothered by any of it either…” 

“She is.” Ted said quietly, “it bothers her. A lot actually.” 

That took Patrick even more by surprise. He was used to Alexis dropping names and random stories about war lords and drug tycoons but she always said it with a smile or a little joke. 

“She just doesn’t want him to have to worry anymore about her.” Ted said. 

“Well, he does anyway.” 

They lapsed into silence again, both of them trying to absorb all of the information that they had just learned. Thankfully, this was the moment that Stevie chose to reappear. 

“Cabs on it’s way.” She announced and looked over at the pair of sleeping siblings on the bench, “did you drug them? And if you did will you share your stash please?” 

Patrick and Ted both laughed. 

Stevie looked at both of them and curiously, “what’s going on out here?” 

Both men shook their heads, trying to play off the very serious conversation that had been happening moments before. 

“Come on guys,” Stevie said, “out with it” 

Patrick sighed, “We were just talking about how much they worry about each other. How there’s still a lot of stuff from their pasts that we don’t know about.” 

“Well I know.” 

“What?” Ted asked, turning to Stevie. 

“Who do you think was doing your jobs before you both showed up?” Stevie asked incredulously.

Patrick knew that Stevie was friends with both of them, but he hadn’t really considered how much Stevie had probably listened to each of them bitch and moan in the early days. 

“Yeah,” she was saying, “all me. And I can assure you that there’s nothing important that neither of you don’t already know. And believe me when I say I use the word important literally. I know way too much about Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis first break up, and despite it being categorized as a ‘Yellow Level Emergency’, I really don’t think anyone’s lives are gonna change too drastically because of it.” 

Patrick smirked at her, but he was still unconvinced. From the looks of his face so was Ted. 

Stevie sighed, “Listen. You know I’m incapable of faking sincerity. So when I say that you guys have nothing to worried about, I mean it. You’re gonna be fine. They’re gonna be fine. I hated both of them a lot when they first got here. And now, they’re both at least tolerable.” 

Patrick smiled at the ground. He knew that Stevie was underplaying it. She loved the Rose family. He knew that the idea of marrying David would have sent her into an actual state of shock and disgust, but that the idea of calling Alexis her sister? Mr. and Mrs. Rose her parents? He didn’t think that that would have the same effect. 

“You guys make them better. Don’t worry about it so much okay? Because I’m a very busy women so I can’t be the one to field every emergency about Oprah or Kim Kardashian okay?” 

Patrick smiled at her. 

“Okay.” He said, Ted was smiling at Stevie too and he nodded. 

“Alright then. Just as long as we’re clear.” Stevie said, obviously uncomfortable with the amount of genuine emotion that had just been shared. 

The cab pulled up just a few seconds later. All three of them had to work together to get Alexis and David crammed into the back seat. Ted and Patrick squeezed in back, their shoulders pressed against each other as they supported their sleeping loved ones. Stevie climbed in front so that she could give the cabbie directions. 

In his sleep, David nestled closer into Patrick’s chest and he felt a warm burst inside his heart. He turned at caught Ted’s eye and they shared a knowing smile. 

This was their lives now. A little more complicated, a little more dramatic and a little bit messier. But god. Patrick knew that no one in that car would have traded any of it for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi to me on tumblr: oscarwildewannabe


End file.
